To My Children

Our home would be quiet yet it would also be void of your giggles and play.

I would get a full night’s sleep yet there would be no crawling into my bed for morning snuggles.

I would have uninterrupted conversations yet no one singing “mama” beside me, asking for my focus and time. “Mama” is my favorite tune.

I could jam my music loud in the car yet I would have no one asking me life’s big questions from the back seat.

I would have long, hot showers yet no little bodies waiting at the door with a bold excitement as if they hadn’t seen me in years (as opposed to seconds).

I would have space to get ready and my stuff would stay put yet I would miss out on that feeling I feel watching you mimic me.

I may not be redirecting behaviors or navigating power struggles yet I also wouldn’t be teaching and guiding.

My heart would be complete yet not as full.

My heart would beat yet not as profoundly.

I did not lose myself in motherhood, I became more of myself.

And while days may bleed into one another and moments can feel bananas, this time is not lost on me.

For one day, I will search for signs of you around our home. And while time may have erased some of the evidence, I will be the keeper of our moments.

The moments where you were so small and wanted your mama to play with you, snuggle you, read to you, kiss your boo-boos, and just BE with you.

I pray that when it is I looking to you for your time and attention, you will be invested. And that you will reach for my hand and know, that with me, you are always home.